As confused as a drunk duck

Sometimes you go watch a movie, go home and can’t figure out how to classify the movie. Was it Funny??? Was it a wee bit twisted???I can’t find the right words to describe what I saw today.
I did realize one thing though, I laugh at the weird jokes. People are sitting and watching the villain say “Hello Hello” into his phone at the beginning of a conversation and “OK OK” as he finishes it. I am laughing in my seat, there are tears coming out of my eyes, I would have rolled on the ground with laughter, if there had been enough space** to do so. I look around as I wipe the tears of laughter. No one else seems to be laughing.
Flashback, (Please take a Tortoise mosquito coil and swirl it around for the proper effect.) Almost 22 years ago. Some Cinema Hall playing Laurel & Hardy or Charlie Chaplain movies. A younger, leaner and head full hair version of me is watching the movie. The joke is over, people have stopped laughing but there I am bent over in my seat and laughing. Tears coming out of my eye. But yes, then there was space** to roll on the ground and laugh, and yes I have rolled.
A lot of me has changed. But I let myself go when I have to laugh. It keeps the insane side of me sane and I am happy about it.
My loudest laughter was when I laughed in my Seventh class. The History master always pronounced Pharaoh as Pharodah*** and I would laugh, so one day the annoyed master pulled up, a laughing me by the ear and said “Watt are you finding funny, I tell you watts funny? Tomorrow you bring eggs to class,place them under your buttocks, and they will hatch into colour colour chickens.” I asked “Master, what color chicks do you want? Black, White, or Yellow.” and then burst out laughing. I laughed so hard that the Principal had to announce on the Public Address System, “The student who laughed so hard that it has caused mild tremors in Egmore area, please report to my office immediately.” So I went and reported army style “Good Morning father. X reporting father. I was the epicentre of those tremors, father. It measured a 3 on the Richter and I apoligise for causing it father.” Princi goes “Are you trying to be funny?” I say “No father I was just reporting to you father, since you wanted me to report father.” Father finally said “Suspended till end of week”
That was the first of my Million plus visits to the principal’s office. But each time it was because I laughed at the wierdest things.
**Space in cinema halls have become so cramped that I don’t have the freedom of movement. So I try to avoid going to the cinemas. Real Estate Prices and population Rises are the cause for the cramped space today.
***When I was in my Eleventh class I asked my History Master why he pronounced Pharaoh as Pharodah? and he told me how he studied in a Tamil Medium School and in Tamil, Pharoah is pronounced as Pharodah. (I have not been able to verify it.Any truth in it????)
“Am not an athlete nor am I a rat to run races. I do it My Own Way (MOW), Just MOWing.” – My Words.

Strange…

It has been quite some time since I wrote anything here. But my blog is all I can think of all the time. It is like one of those mistresses I used to have. I just could’nt stop seeing or thinking about her.

A lot seems to have happened during this time. Valentines day, Raj Thackeray;s arrest, Chennai IPL renamed as Chennai Super Kings. I have stopped going to the one place where I used to sit and write and have loads of coffee. I have been trying to get into a stock broking house, to enhance my knowledge and also to join a few courses relating to capital markets.

So strange that I am shifting careers at this stage in my life. But some like it planned, I like to test new waters, venture into areas which are hidden. I might fail and fall, but life is too risky, if we don’t do anything with it. RIGHT. So wish me luck as I step into the unknown and do what I do best. KICK ASS.

P.S.: Did I say something about a mistress. Not my mistress.Am too broke to have one. But even if I had the money, I don’t think they are worth it. Money is my elusive mistress.

The Bald Story – Part 1

Why do people find bald people funny? No, they don’t find them funny. They are simply jealous that they can’t feel the wind blowing directly on their heads.

I started losing hair as early as when I was 15 yrs old. But who cared about such things, at that age.

So by the time I had finished college, my hairline was going
North. My parents became worried that I will lose it all soon and they started taking me to Doctors. Derma… whatever they are called. The first person I visited* told me about hair loss and blah blah blah, he also prescribed some medicines. Lotion, tablets, oinments, a huge list. (What a waste of paper?) So I got the medicines from Muthu Pharmacy in Chetpet and then dumped them in the Cooum River.(I was not eco-friendly then) Then my mom bought the medicines again and made me take them religiously. Well it was a nice way to show off my tablet eating talent. There were about 5 pills for the morning, I would chew on them and have them without any water. (I know I should have a freak show of my own).Anyways with all the pill popping, everyone kept telling that hair seemed to be growing out of my head. Then one day I saw the “Say No to Drugs” ad on T.V. and I said “bye, bye pills” and this time I dumped the strips in the Adyar River. (Still not eco friendly)

Then it was time for me to do the disappearing act. So I disappeared in Chennai and resurfaced in Delhi. 2 years of Non-stop bliss. I started shaving the hair on my head. Girls loved my bald, badass, bindaas look and I always had some girl who would want to touch my bald head. (Hmmmmm… Girls have such soft hands.) Girls always wanted to do some project with me. He he he. So lots of projects and lots of girls. It was fun while it lasted.

But my parents still could not see a lost cause when they saw one. So they took me to the next doctor during one of my vacations. This doctor is on P.H.Road Chennai. He took, what he could, of my hair and then sent it for testing. (God knows what they test for!!!) So when I visited him next he said, “You have Male Pattern Baldness, Type 5″ (So now they had classifications. Looked like those Derma whatevers had decided in their Maanadu to classify baldness) Then he gave me the pep talk, “Nothing to worry about, Aravind” I told him “Ayyo, Doctor Naan kavalai paddalai”(“Oh Doctor I am not worried”). He gave me a pitiful look and continued “I will give you a shampoo, wooden comb and special soap.” I asked “Doctor, how much is it gonna cost me?” He gave me a figure in thousands. So I told him “Sorry, doc thats a lot of money. I want you to understand that I am only losing my hair and not my brain” He did not seem to understand the funniness(new word), so he went on with his blah blah blah. By now I was checking out the hot nurse, yes she was steaming hot. I knew from the look on her face that she wanted to feel my head. So I gave the doctor the money for the stuff, he wanted to sell to me, just so that I could go with the hot nurse to pick it up from the store room. So now I was fantasizing about me the nurse and the store room. Wow a threesome!!! Yeah but it just stayed a fantasy, cause the nurse stepped out alone, got the stuff from the store and gave it to my mom who was in the lobby.Now I realized why doctors hire, Hot Mallu Women as nurses. It is just to rob people like me. That’s when I started hating Doctors.

To be continued…

* I visit doctors, I don’t consult them. Just visit them and say “Hey doc! Good to see you.I wanted to make sure your children get a good education, that your wife has fun losing money at kitty parties and that you have good food to eat and that you are not riding all the white skirts.” then I donate some money for him. I am a practising Socialist. And one day I am gonna be… Wait for it… Coming out in a moment…

LEGENDARY.

BALD HEADED MEN is a song by Christine Lavine here are the lyrics…

I don’t like men who exaggerate
about the places they’ve been
about the money they’ve made
I like a man who’s honest and true
You can look him in the eye
When he’s talking to you
I like men who accept who they are
Not everyone can look like a movie star
If you can follow this thought
to it’s logical end
You can see why I like bald-headed men
. . . ooh, I like bald-headed men
Everyone knows that it’s testosterone
that turns bushy-haired men into a chrome dome
But testosterone is what makes a man a man
The more that he’s got the more that he can
Do the things that make the women go “Oy!”
I’ll take the bald-headed man over a big-haired boy
Big-haired boys make very good friends
But they cannot compare to bald-headed men
I’ve said it before
I’ll say it again
I like bald-headed men
So why did you waste your money
joining that hair club for guys?
Oh, why would you cover your manly badge of honor
with such a bad disguise?
Oh, why would you throw away money on Rogaine and Minoxidil?
When all they can guarantee are years and years of pharmacy bills
. . . please don’t do it!
I believe the hair replacement industry for men
is like the cosmetic industry for women
A giant black hole that will suck your money away
for the rest of your life
. . . please don’t do it!
No matter how you fight it, time marches on
Some new things appear, some old things are gone
Let it move – – it’s a natural thing
Like a leaf on a tree or a bird on a wing
Try looking in your mirror from a whole different place
You’re not losing hair, you’re gaining face
Be confident! Be cool! It won’t be long when
You are bound to be one of the bald-headed men
Said it before
I’ll say it again
I love bald-headed men

Jab they Shaadhied

Sunaina and Venu got married. February 1st 2008.Am Very happy. Very happy. Enjoyed the wedding. Well I should hopefully remember their anniversary every year. “Mrs. and Mr. Venugopal”,surely has a nice ring to it.
Here is wishing the two of you “My Wishes for a Wonderful Life Ahead.”
P.S.: I am so excited that they got married that my thoughts are going through an upheavel and I am wondering “Mera number kab aayega?” But that’s so against my principles of marriage. Again, maybe someday, I will get married, against my principles but with my will.

BP, with Shakeela and Tequila

The Bachelors Party (BP in short)
 
Members present – Balachander, Aravind
Ex- Members present – Naveen, Binoy
Drinks that flowed – J and B rare Whisky, Chivas Regal, Real Grape Juice, Mango Frooti.
Strippers – Venugopal and Shakila
 
Keeping in line with tradition, we changed the party venue a few times to ensure that unwanted creatures did not present their faces for the free booze and also Shakila’s strip show.
 
The party started with some beautiful moves by Venugopal who stripped all the way to his underwear(Read Jatti) while we all cheered on for him to remove this last piece of clothing to symbolise his freedom from Bachelorhood, Venu backed off saying that he could not go all the way. But still Awesome show dude.
So once that was over, we all sat and poured out drinks Whisky for some and fruit juices for non drinkers, while we waited for Kerala Porn Queen of Several Years the one and only Shakila.
 
Shakila arrived with a bottle of Tequila. That was her gift for Venu. So we named the show “BP with Shakila and Tequila” What we did not realise, till late in the show was that Shakila is surely no Shakira and yes Hips don’t Lie. We regretted the strip show, though Venu enjoyed it a lot. Why did you like her Venu? Is it because she fueled all your dirty fantasies? Since the rest did not want to see the stripping action, we got into a discussion if a woman’s madippu can be co-related to her age
 
We finally devised a formula by which we can calculate the age of a woman by the number of Madippu she has on her hip.
 
If Madippu is m and age in years is x then
 
x = 5.725m
 
Balachander tried counting the number of Madippus Shakila has, he got lost in them and ended up losing his mind. So that made Shakila ageless. 2 guys(Names witheld) couldn’t take the lethal combo, of unlimited Shakila madippu and unlimited Tequila shots. Too bad guys you missed out some of the action.
 
‘Twas lots of fun for me. Ate good food at Mainland China. But I hated that guy who served us with a stupid smile on his face. The girl I saw when I stepped out of the elevator was hot. So hot that I burned my tongue.( I was drinking soup, thinking about her.) What did you think?
 
So that was a successful party organised by The Bachelor Club. I would like to thank the host Venugopal for arranging Shakila Chechi, the Amazing food at Mainland China and also the wonderful strip show in which we found out that Venugopal has an amazing pair of bazookas.
 
Cheers Venu, you are a wonderful sport man, you always take things in the right sense. This was probably the last time you saw Shakila Chechi nude. I know, you enjoyed her immensely. No more Bachelors party for you. No, I will not be letting you come for my parties in future. You have become an uncle now. And the next time you come visiting me, get me some nice chocolates.
 
P.S.: Yeah even though the post is Named the way it is named. I have kept references to Shakila and the Tequila to a bare minimum, because otherwise the truth would unleash a scandal.
 
P.P.S: Well, the secret, There was no Tequila or Shakila. But it is true that Venu stripped. He He He… Dai Sudarmani brand Jatti pottukittu enna attagasam panna…
 
Who is Venugopal?
Venu is my Brother and was an active member of “The Bachelors Club” He was the kid of the club, until he was kicked out ceremoniously on November 1st 2007.
 
Even though we KICKed him out literally he landed on his fat ass and did not whimper even a bit. “Kudos Mate” So in appreciation of the kicks that we gave him, he hosted this bachelor’s party.

I Play Devil’s Advocate


So I have these two Pictures in my bedroom. I am sure I was less than 3 years old when these pictures were snapped.
Mom saya “We(mom and aunt) wanted you to be dressed as Krishna and pose in Krishna poses. But what you did once we were at the studio was cry and make ruckus. So that’s why we have a Krishna posing for the camera without his charismatic smile”
I say “I have always hated being under the limelight. Am not a very public person. So crying and making ruckus was to avoid that photo being taken. They say Children are God but I was negotiating the price of my soul, with Satan even then.”
But whatever said “I love those childhood years,I really do.”
P.S.: It is worth selling your soul to Satan. He is really a nice guy, just that we don’t realize it.. For more details see these movies “The Devil’s Advocate”, “Bedazzled”,and “Meet Joe Black”

When Venu met Sonu…

Disclaimer:
 
1 This is just meant to provide some tickles. I can even relate it to Cinderella and the Seven Dwarfs, So you should know
What to take in right sense
What to take in nonsense
And please click on AdSense(googles advertisement link)
‘Cause a man gotta make his pence.
 
2 I am highly prejudiced about marriage as an institution in todays society.
**********************************************************************
Dedicated in fond Rememberance of
Bachelor Venugopal Balagangadharan”
Who is a Brand Addict suffering from a serious disease called brand-o-mania, Who has had to do things the hard way (his words not mine). I bid you farewell brother from the XXX Zone!!!I Am sure you will be happier on the other side of the Altar.
———————————————————————————
 
With almost all my friends married and most of the married ones having kids, the Bachelors Club just has a few members left.Nandagopal, Girish and me. That’s it and it’s unbelieveable. But it is a proud moment for me not only because I am still single, bald and no girl in her right mind wants to marry me, but mostly because Venu is engaged and getting married on the 1st of February to a pretty girl, Sunaina.
 
Yeah this is the story of “Beauty and the Beast.”
 
Now upon time, there is living in Chennai city one payyan named Venugopal. We will call him vennu. Vennu always adivanging(smacked across the face) from twin brother and thituvanging(scolding) from parents. He grew up, studied BA (Economics) in The Harvard of the East and some how got into PSG to study Masters Program In Sarvadesa Vyabaram(International Business). Got good paying job but no girl marry him because all his friends calling him pichakarran (beggar).
 
One naal, he go for cousin’s kalyanam in Paellakad. There meeting meeting future Father and Mother in law, The Beast (Vennu) in Aaruva Kollaru proposing to in-laws. Daddy moraching (dirty stare), but beast’s confidence hypnotizes in-Laws, they are very impressed. So all fixed, he talks to ponnu by tholai pesi(telephone), Beauty paer sonu, Beauty agrees to meet beast in his kotai(castle, Banglore in this case), so that beast will not become mad and sappidufy(gobble up) her parents.
 
Beast ore jollu (drooling) in Banglore. But ore sweating also because beauty may say NO to his proposal. He taking her to some shady place (place with a shade, so that he stops sweating and starts stinking) and proposing. Beauty still not understanding Beast. But says YES, because beast looks like a nalla (good) beast and she needs to get away from beasts gappu (stink).
 
So they finally got engaged on November 1st 2007 in Paellakad,
 
So another Love story—–>Proposition—–> Marriage At the Altar—–>The Happy Life
 
I was in Paellakad for the engagement and got bits and pieces of stories from various sources, which have been stitched into a story form. Well all sources were compromised by Single Malt Scotch.
 
November 1st 2007, Paellakad was under a civil strife**.
 
**Civil Strife – Civil strife in Kerala is a day declared off BY Mallus FOR Mallus so that SOME Mallus can be put to sleep, eternally.
 
Coming up
"Bachelor Party for Venu, with Shakeela and Tequila" Disclaimer:Only for those Horny people with an IQ of less than 10.
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